Singapore after Eid Vacations

This is approximately an hour to get in. the melancholy of emptiness and getting away from loved one is subsiding. I am feeling charge of hitting the monster again. This job is not my choice but my fate. I do not have control on so many things and can’t escape my bread and butter plus the expectations, otherwise am having a deep desire to settle down in Darbhanga.

You are now 2.5+ and Maryam is catching you fast. Both of you have got natural sparks of talents in early age. Your father is a theoretician and he looks the world in a different dimension. Not well digested to many and I develop critics around very easily. I can’t say how much but I miss you all and am dead within; a smile I have to sport so as to be with the people. Struggling to collate and unite the pieces of happiness in a single strand. Can we ensure end to end happiness? Of course not and how can we maximize happiness for our loved ones, if we are at a crossroad of choices? Choices to favor and being blind to one while still loving and ignoring other. This is complex and only experience teaches you the best. This phase of life is a grey part of my life where I am learning to be happy with the people who claim that they love me, however they don’t. They have used me, betrayed me and they expect an artificial treatment of hospitality. How can I make space in thin air?

Checked-in and I am in waiting lounge, luckily got a network port to be in internet. This trip from 10th Aug to 11th Sep was memorable and painful. They should have not done this. If I do not have much money and infrastructure, they should not be in abusive mode. Where did I compromise love? I will better prefer to die with my own complains rather striking any blow to hurt others. With growing age things change and responsibilities calls sacrifice. If we do not answer sacrifices we tend to be selfish. Be it love or hatred. Being selfish in love is much more dangerous. This diabetic ailment has no insulin for cure. I feel much disappointed if a senior does a bad to me, when I should cross the boundary of respect to prove the logic of right and wrong. Let’s wait for a cold bloody terminal, hope things will improve.

Luckily I have made myself myself and I carry no extra baggage of debt. Struggling, moving, uniting, failing and rising again and going on and on. What if they cheated, they challenged my integrity and let time prove my mettle.

Ejazul ki chai, (Ejazul’s Tea)

Growing up in 90s was different. The society was not digitized.

I had only two friends from SJS. Iqbal and Asad bin daud. They were the best since we had a deep bonding in terms of friendship which led to comics exchanges and roaming, fighting, playing around and more which will be an alien activity to coming generation. We all discuss senior people around, and become inspired. Students from Salafia Unanin college and some of the seniors belonging to SIMI. We had good times having inspirational chats with them and little booklets of urdu stories.

I met Ejazul, we called him Ejazul, don’t know where he is but he was a good friend and a book Ibn-e-batoota ki daastan belonged to him, though i got it from Iqbal and it had stories about Ibn-e-batoota’s expeditions. Good book and i had it with me long time. Milton and me usually will go in evening at Ejazul’s room near Iqbal’s house. He made good black tea and we enjoyed the company and peculiar taste of the tea. He was a sort of innocent grown up kid. He knew that the book is with me, and i never returned his book. I regret a lot, i think i had returned to Iqbal.

I feel my life to be fast, very fast. Many good old friends are getting out of mind. This life is a one way hash function and i think this is not going to repeat. Sometimes i am much hooked to the old memories. There are much tastes, smells, stories which remind of old days; much when i open an old book and discover something which associates a lot of past. I still remember the taste of Ejazul’s tea made on kerosene stove, a continuous push of the pumps in order to have a continuous flame. The aroma and tea, and i have no clue if i will ever meet him.

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

“Jaane chale jaate hain kahaan, duniya se jaane waale ja a ne ……”We had a small house in bibi pakar of only two rooms. This was universe for us and Mukesh song was in air. Dalton had made the emergency light’s cassette player working. I loved Mukesh’s songs, so the aroma of aangan. Little osara where sewing machine was placed nicely covered with peculiar covering. Abbu’s crockery shop existed no more, so we had good times at home with all of our family members.I had a natural advantage of being an elder brother. I loved driving NV150, LML Vespa. One of the oldest Vespa we had in Darbhanga. I went there to Tower Chowk. The place I spent my considerable childhood time at Katki bazaar shop. Stopped at magazine shop and looked at “Physics for you”.

I was in Darbhanga for Eid vacation and I written two articles for Physics for you some 2-3 months back. I was expecting them to be published. Luckily I saw the magazine and my sixth sense knocked me. Lets see if they have published it or not. I was with appijaan and Dalton I think. I saw my article published and I was out of control. Very happy, very very happy. This was the same magazine shop, where I got the first magazine “Pratiyogita Darpan”, with lot arguments from Abbujaan. I loved magazines and dreamed one day I will write my own views and this happened. I was very happy. I shown my articles to Appijaan, Dalton and Ammi. Ammi was making masala for gosht and she was very happy. How can I forget the moment? A day before Eid and I was feeling intense happiness.

We travelled in Vaishali express. Abu Bakar, Amir and one more friend i think. This was a nice journey.

The articles were on frame of references and projectile motion. Nothing more than what I learned from K K Jha. He was certainly the best teacher in my life and a turning point for me. I hope Fahd get good teachers like him.

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

Hassan sb’s big old home, and the family was still there. This was December 2000. They built a mosque as a sadq-e-jariyah in memory of their beloved Dad. They were my childhood friends and I missed them a lot. As we grow we loose the intrinsic love. Our education, expectations and desire keep us self centric and we realize old love, tenderness and friendship when we loose something, something special. I hope their Dad’s soul in peace and accompanied with good spirits.

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

Khurram Mamujaan’s sudden death, Raja bhai’s sad news and passing people. The turn for me is still to come. Will I be able to keep smiles? To keep love. How much have I helped others? This world needs more, what am I doing? There are questions, and no answers. Sometimes I come out of my shell of worldly demands, my own needs, and then I realize people who showered love to me, who helped me, my friends and eyes with love. Eyes with grave expectations, so that I will remember them in tough times, and in their happiness. Have I met them?

An Advice …

Dear Fahd,

As you will grow and will discover the crualiy of this materialistic world. You will come to know about the truths, There are two types of relatives. Initially very hard to distinguish as we are all innocent by nature at start. Once we grow we see the two types.
Type1 are those who demand relations. By default they think that the relation is not good. You have to call, ask the questions, enquire about their health etc. If you do not do that they think there is some problem. Or you are not good. Or your behavior is not well. Un-social.
Type2 are those who command relations. By default they will always be positive with you. You do not call them for a year, this will not change their mood. They will never complain.They will genuinely help you in terms of money, resources, tenderness. You can read the eyes. Eyes never lie.
Beware of Type1. Selfish, complaining, irritating people. You should be starightforward to these people. For Type2, they are good, you need to nourish the relationship strong.

And i lost someone i idealize,,, Noor uncle…

This is not so long. Eleven years. I knew him since 1992. This was very old. I was in class 2nd. Then year 1999, I came Delhi. My train was late as usually Aligarh to New Delhi was a messy travel. This was the second time I went Aligarh. Noor uncle had sent two forms of Jamia Millia to us. The only reason I went Delhi. Don’t know at that time, the time was a turning point of my life.

He always wanted to make the family united. The family meant the Siddiqui family. Caring and Passionate. People with complains will have complain, but to stand on the edge of your thought is an act of courage, and he had. He had the smile, till his last day in this materialistic world, he was busy in work. Restless, working and helping.

Shad manzil. The name occupied my class 11th at Jamia. I was arrogant, complaining, and demanding. Like others overshadowed by demands. Those who don’t have the sense of sacrifice. This was somewhat new to me. Delhi was a big city for me. Noor Nagar extension was a small corner within. I saw people studying. I was having the hunger to prove me. To prove, I am the best. Most of us are demanding. We have expectations from other.

On the timescale, very fast, things are moving. Common is the events. People come, some goes. Memories builds, fades, vanish. We believe but some don’t. It hurts. Badly. We the homeless people of no fixed abode, create, realize, and then leave all what we earn. What we yearn? At last what we yearn?

Now he is on his way to the last journey, I feel the vacuum. Like I have lost a guardian. Not so deeply I realized when he was around. Not totally, but I idealize a lot from his personality. This is the curse of time, that tomorrow is worse than today. We believe in the last day, and I wish him to be accompanied by the Good souls.