Recent encounters,

While i try to visualize problems with the looking glass of logic, things unwind, however the layer of emotions burns and it create scars. Unaware of the situation, the grave melancholy developed, and the burning sensation, thoughts flow to unknown downstairs, leading to anger, jealousy and frustration.

Then it stops when again i adjust my looking glasses,

This is not all about the things which i do not like in others, and a parallel layer of hate i develop to certain characteristics of others, thereby i abstain myself and restrain in doing so, what they do. If you are a good person, this comes at the cost of sacrifice. Nothing is free, not a mere smile. How do you keep smiling? Either you are unaware or don’t care. This is hard to maintain. An ecology of healthy smiles.

Growing old is a bliss or curse? Gaining mass comes at the cost of loosing your speed. While the net momentum is somewhat constant, that is what i feel. New solutions, problems are solving. However new challenges are coming. Challenges of magnitude i never visualized in recent past. Money is responsibility, will i keep up the products constants. Faced with different simultaneous living life equations, getting real roots are extremely difficult. The imaginary solutions of z-domains do not fit well in real life, and real life calculations go beyond the boundary conditions of space and time. How should a problem be solved, if you do not have control to define the conditions, assumptions and limits, since they are humans, psyches, and emotions?

Strange, but the gravity of life pulls. Pulls to an end of a uncontrolled process, where we were just a variable.

I met new people. I see my past in their actions. Their zeal and passion. I had the same once upon a time. Now i am engaged somewhere else. This is fanaticism. Idealizing someone is good and getting inspired. Talking about individuals. Restless talks. Proving our points. Getting angry over while in discussion with friends, sometimes shout and cry. When the vector to responsibilities are not aligned, center of mass do not follow a trajectory which brings results. You think this is your action bringing success and this is why i was failed. My experience is a random statistical figure. Neither success nor failure can be predicted, no matter how you work hard. This is the probability figure you make in your favor, by doing some mind and muscle. These are the two faces of coin we must get, and if the result of toss is always same, coin is faulty, … sikka khota hai …,

Getting failure, and repeated failure is healthy sign. Success is dangerous, but it is good once or twice. The motivation to your work should be your passion. And if passion is materialized or thought in terms of success and failure, this is neither success nor failure, it is impotence.

Bringing true innovation and nobility to work starts with an unknown force, we call it passion. Getting passionate is brought by love and carried with courage. Do not let the spark diminish ever.

I didn’t liked the joke. For humor and fun, if you do so, do take care of your friends. Do not make a sarcasm, do not ever speak double meaning funny languages. To this we loose our mass and our hollow skeleton floats in laughter. This may be a reason of happiness at moments, but cant bring happiness following peace. The peace is an outcome of sincerity and sacrifice, very few understand.

And most of the times you don’t know, to whom you are speaking with? He may be enough knowledgeable in his/her field. Do you think knowledge to be a criteria to respect someone? If so you must know the difference between knowledge and information. Information applied and practiced transforms to knowledge. How do you test, if you really posses knowledge? So, if you speak and other understand and this do not make you step out of anger and prejudice, and you have the relations intact without cutting it in tears with the sword of your logic, you have knowledge. You will often speak, and laugh will be replaced by a heart-touching smile. A smile that will kill the daemons and make you angel.

The Zero

Friend’s ship

Saturday, February 25, 2012

I do not have a sound relationship with most …

Though i know, i am not wrong, i pretend to be, just to keep my surroundings, not to feel that they are hurt.They are friend. Are they friend? With the kind of expectations, and buzzing blinkers, big bumpers and they don’t miss a chance. They don’t miss a chance to let you feel, that they are so special to you. That how dare you failed to keep yourself up to their expectations?Now in this age, there are people with a common set, but there is definitive age gap. Those who are at shore to shore, though they expect friendship, tenderness, intimacy but also there is that “I” factor. How come this happened at that time, so he is junior and if i am senior.We do not define sharp bounds but we expect sharp boundaries. Bonds vs boundaries. I am happy. You are happy. Are we happy? This is your fault, not mine. You must understand. How come you did it? How you think like that?Is this a friendship, or a friend’s ship? Better be enemy with defined points, than to be friend, undefined, not clear and demanding.

Live your life, happy, enjoy and do not interrupt.

We talk big things. Our words are endless. We hide our greed in the dark blankets. We call it whatever. I want to do this and that. Achieve the Everest. And I have a story. Experiences to share. Pain you can’t feel. Wound you can’t heal. I am way ahead of you. And you don’t know much. You must comply to all. I am your friend, not a stranger at all.

Our actions comes from our thoughts. Germinated since long. The pattern we develop. Out of culture relations and bonds. And we impose the self-made rules. To defy our self and greed. Either we love and wanted to be loved. At the cost of my happiness I want to see all. I am not happy and they are. What type of people. Selfish, greedy and bizarre.

Since I do calculations and am way beyond decimals. Do not want to be on receiving side. I fear if they dare, to peep into and prove again that I am wrong.

This do not mean that if I do make things accountable, I am not good. This is the way I do. I want and mean crystal terms. Not the burden of expectations. This have killed and killing. Families, Friends and Nations.

Understanding Not Expectations. Sacrifice not the Fight. Forgive not to Seek. Selfless somewhat more or less. Being cheated, exposed and vulnerable. Something to say that, Yes, I care and do not expect a return.

A Sincere Acknowledgement Vs Exaggerated Appreciation

Monday, January 16, 2012

A company belongs to managers, that is what i learned so far…

People from different background. Their mindsets were not or i will say never matured with the thoughts of mathematics, fantasies of physics or the process of engineering. For most of them, this was just a process to get a degree and get a job.

Over the times i worked with different people. For me, being vulnerable to seniority, i loose most of the times the opportunity to prove a point. As i think if i am trying to be over smart or what? What if seniors will feel offensive? So people thought that “he do not know”, but i knew; however the upbringing lessons kept me at shore, not to intervene.

While in Srilanka and in most other places, i was a victim of my own quality. Be it a quality or weakness, for me it is still a puzzle. Your strongest quality is the weakest link sometimes. So if someone scolded me for some reason, i didn’t argued over. They thought me being gentle, since i satisfied their ego. I saw people with their strange, wicked desires, teaching me “how to work?”. People like these are full of anger, prejudice and hate. Easily recognized, since they speak filthy language in informal chat, we call desi language. It is too old to coin it gaali.

They think that “I should know”. Well Right.

And if they get an opportunity, they don’t miss. Never. Since you are not up to, not right, i am better than you. Better learn a lesson. “I am your God”.

There was a contempt. To over judge, and under judge. You see that guy. He come office and go home in time. We are working day and night. He is not sincere. How can he leave office if we are working? I mean how slaves dare to stand and walk out if me “The God” is here. He do not deserve to be.

Crazy, Isn’t it?

Do i need a pointer? oh let it be. There were good and bad people around. Why to take a risk in loosing a relation? I am not here on a prophetic path. Let them burn in their own fire.

Why don’t you just Live. I remembered the Indian Truck back sign board “Jiyo Aur Jine Do”, “Blow Horn”, “Jagah Milne Per Paas Denge”,

And most of them think themselves to be manager. As a badge. A medal of honor. Prepared by themselves. Self signed. Oh Ya. Yes. I am in position.

There are two approaches always, out of many, at a single point to choose. Either you live on top of “System’s Vulnerabilities” or you Strive on “pieces of perfection”. It’s your approach, which defines you, irrespective of your success or failure.

Woohoooooo, Appreciation. Is it exaggerated or a sincere acknowledgement? Let me check the source, i mean for me, there are differences.

Leaders vs Dealers

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

You blame your managers for n number of reasons. The obvious first cause is that he is a source to work and we in general do not want to work. Is it true?

May be at some stage of life, but not for those who are skilled professionals. I have at least six years of experience and worked with 10 managers at least. Each of them is unique in their way of work and demand. The best of them were of course from … ok not to disclose and let us have it open discussion.

I see people who do not possess leadership definition and having managerial roles. What is leadership? Is it comes the time you instruct someone to do something? Since you are at some higher state, does it mean you became leader?

My definition of a manager is more of like a leader, who leads solution, and do not deal problems. Dealing problems and leading solutions are two different approaches to solve the same problem. When you lead a solution, doesn’t mean you have a solution, but you focus on solution and behave positively to people. When you deal problems, most of the times you create noise. Transfer management pressure on your team, leading chaos and ambiguity.

The management and a leadership relation with the team start with “trust”. If a manager fails to create trust of him in the team, the team can never rise to win. Some people in the role of manager throw questions, and make team in puzzle. Team does not know the intention why? But it is like proving, look I am your manager and I am more knowledgeable than you. You may prove yourself smart, but this will never create a trust.

No one likes humiliation. “No , you did this wrong”, “This is wrong”, “Why this is delayed?”, etc. etc. if your intention is that, by making a person humiliated, I will put a stamp of superiority and will prove a point to be a manager, you will create a big vacuum. If I am a skilled resource, I do work. There may be some different demands I may not be fulfilling. So you must be communicating in a good healthy way. Once a resource looses his interest, he will do what you will say. You can’t bring perfection and at a larger level innovation to work. Yeah, if you want a dry and rough repetitive task, and guarantee your stubbornness will bring value and perfection, God bless you.

So if I will appreciate, acknowledge good work, he will demand. May be I will lose my value. Right? This thinking can’t be helped. How come he should communicate to customer? British have ruled us for some 300 years and red-tappism is in blood. Insecurity ostracizes innovation. And we Indians are cowardly insecure mostly.

It takes courage to appreciate. Courage to learn. Courage to grow. Courage to rise and give a pat on back. Courage to inspire and make a difference.

It takes courage to be clear. To say right. To convey the real picture. To bring the dawn of ambiguity free morning.
It takes courage to love, learn and grow. To accept and move. To appreciate the challenges and dare to dream. It takes courage to be vulnerable. To say “let it go”. To be open and let aspirations meet success.

It takes courage to say Hi. Say hi to the team with a healthy smile. A smile which sets the mood of team to welcome his role model. A manager who looks in your problems and makes yours. Gets the work done with a lot pressure but appreciates you and never says “you are wrong”. A manager who is always responsive to you and do not stop you communicating. A manager, whom you can trust.

About Interlaced bindings, bollywood, doordarshan and aakashwani

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Year 1986 – 1989; Darbhanga,

What is so special in the charm? Where do we get it? With growing age it is worth remembering the definition of charm, which ever existed, long time back …

In afternoon about half past one, the aakashwaani and old radio with old songs. I didn’t knew anything called TV as such. The first I saw at Tipu’s home. The famous song was “leke pehla pehla pyaar …”

Dev sb expired recently. I do have some pastimes closely associated and it is very tough separating the intangible little thoughts of a kid interlaced with the style, charm, fantasies and many more thoughts. He was certainly one of the most admired actors by me.

Since the time was not of exposure overdose. Things were quite disciplined. DD1 had a defined window of visual frame. Also it depended on lot many factors. Electricity availability on Sunday nights.

Those were the days when art was not contaminated. Yes business was of course but the business was not so harsh to get clothes of actors and actress off to fuel the desires of audience well in pursuit of making extra dollars.

I was a kid and was returning home with Abbujaan. The cycle had a front basket and I was enjoying the fast moving road past. Some veggies and a torch yellow colored. I wonder sometimes how I can memorize so much. My childhood was so multicolor. Abbu stopped at DMCH quarters. Rahman phupha jaan was a copy of Shammi Kapoor. May Allah rest him in peace; he was so humorous full of life. Cracking jokes of medical life. Patients, doctors and a lot. I was a charming kid though. They used to kiss me on my cheeks and I hate that act the most.

A chase scene was on a small b&w tv set. This was Shammi Kapoor and a very old song. Abbujaan was talking to Rahman phupha and the tea was on to be ready. I was not getting bored as I liked movies since childhood. Maybe there could be wrong and right, but I didn’t know much. My childish fantasies had a lot of Dev Anand and Shammi sb.

I moved, played, wondered a lot. In all the acts, the fear of homework, love of comics, teacher’s punishment and the subjugated attitude as a result of family conditions, there was always a corner that open a rear window to films, songs, our neighbors and related relations; what was in common, was the movies and actors. Heavily influenced, exposed.

I witness the transition from an age of classics to the pre modern era, when BigB made some Shehenshah mode and a lot Mithun stuff in market. The songs on PaanWallah shops were changing the taste, the paan tested the same, however the soundboxes were tuning different rhythm.

I saw the movie Dream girl at Naanijaan’s home. In a small celebration I was talking to a strange friend. I was talkative. This was a vibrant night. Naanijaan’s home was always special. Our Mamujaans were a great source of bonding. As usual in Indian families there is always a sense of negative heat from Naanihaal and the in laws, but I didn’t experienced much. I had a T-Shirt, the 699. I talked a lot, Captain Tara and Sigma. While discussing I found him an interesting person and we were friends in moment. I lost the friendship in brutal course of time, and even FB is helpless tracing back.

“Gaata rahe mera dil … … Pyaar karne waale, pyaar hi karenge, jalne waale chahe jal jal marenge, …” the song has a special significance. From early childhood, I used to sing this song. An equally impact was from dream girl. Something we can’t explain as the sense of love in movies was not comprehended by childish brains. What we see on screen was a scene only, that impacted mind and got interlaced with memories, activities, life milestones. Something which defines some beautiful moments of past. The small home, hot summer noon, Sunday business with TVs. And of course black and white films at neighbor’s home since we didn’t had a 12V battery arrangement.

About my friend Tanqueed Alam and Professor Adil Sb,

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Shamsi is getting married. He has been a friend to me since class 6th. Shamsi was introduced to me as Tanqueed Alam by our respected Mehre Alam sir.

This was one fine morning in Zila School, I was in corridors of the 6th class entrance gate. My whole bag was stolen by school peon some weeks back and I was helpless. Mehre Alam sb was one nice dashing and one of the most intellectual acumen personas I have met ever. He was brilliant and just different. His gentle style and the way of teaching, grasp over subjects, fabulous. May Allah reward him Jannah and I wish I could have gained some more guidance.

He introduced Shamsi to me,

“Meet him “Tanqueed”, take him to the class”, said Alam sir with a habitual smile, I liked.

Tanqueed was like all combed hair in the way old Golmaal actor had a desi look. We talked chatted a long over the books, tuitions living and relations links and had aaloo chaat outside. By the way he happened to my “Bhateeja”, as late I discovered Ail to be my “Naati”. I was too young to hold these seior positions, so I ended up having being called friends.

The character Adil Jamil was already around, and quickly we were good friends. Actually I have seen, it happens in girls mostly, the triode friendship. However we were just good friends, I will say the best even. Soon we captured the morning assembly prayer space and were leading “Daya Kar Daan Bhakti Ka …” Morning prayer. In some way or other we all were totally different. We had different capabilities, likings, background but still we resonated in same frequency when it came to friendship. In actual the word friendship didn’t existed that time. We were just happy having each other company.

Usually I loved the subject science and urdu. I don’t know why but Maths at that time was a headache, and Adil was very good in Maths. Tanqueed being an average easy going student, I felt always me being in trouble when it comes to Mathematics. Things reversed 1998 onwards to me at least.

We were heavily exposed to bollywood, TVs and Comics, I don’t want to make a lie. This was a certain fact. Though our parents were a bit religious, stand on principles but they didn’t stopped us like a teacher with stick. Slowly on the way we learned and responsibilities made us to rise above the layers of art and drama. Lets face it, this is life and we carry responsibilities and expectations. Shamsi had a TV at his home and I watch mostly afternoon serials with him like Junoon, Shanti, Swabhimaan. I remember movie Raja Babu, and once I took him to Poonam cinema hall for Sunil Shetty’s starrer “Bhai”. We were in 6-9 show, and he was worried for him being asked by Alam Sir. By the way Alam Sir was Shamsi’s father, If I didn’t mentioned earlier.

Since Adil was near to my home, I generally go to his home in evening. If you ask the reason, I don’t know why? I was a seeker of inspiration and Adil had beautiful home work copies with all Maths exercise questions answered beautifully. I remember the trigonometry exercises. This was painful. He introduced me to Aarif sir, and I started learning Algebra first. I never mentioned before anywhere in my past posts, but Aarif sir did a magical teaching for me, and Maths was easy. So I solved questions on and on and completed the bharti bhawan maths book for 7th and 8th in some 6 months. I joined again the unique coaching centre. Adil had an advantage of being guided by his family in studies, especially his sieter, and I felt unfortunate sometimes.

So we three friends fought some of the times. I was a subject of Joke in carom plays. I was not a good striker, actually a bad one. So no one wanted to have a partnership with me. They purposefully made a joke of teasing me by saying “Amma”, since I was once singing the movie Bombay’s famous song Amma, Amma … I was not exposed to many things. Had came from a varying friendship experience started from Salafia School (Iqbal, me and Asad), Indira Memorial Academy (Shashi, Asad and friends), had experienced the first love, then Jamaluddin miyan, and then Zila School. I was having many friends, I forgot many but remember Adil and Tanqueed as we were not only good friends but competitors in terms of marks and achievements as well. We all got success in different fields as we were different. May Allah rise us in the final day with our good deeds in heavy proportions, and may be a good Friday evening in Jannah InshaAllah will discuss again the Zila School.

Good Wishes Shamsi for your marriage. May Allah bring peace, happiness and make you couple a source of happiness for each other.

An evening in Sydney, and related thoughts,

Sunday, October 16, 2011

This is another fine evening in Lachlan Ave. I live here in unit 14 15.

Evening is about to say well by and I am done with Asar Salah. Beautiful parrots with stupid sounds, at least they are better than traffic noise, but they do chirp and quake.

How smart they are, and do they have to think as much as we do? The more we think, the more we sink. They float and have hope, enjoying the beautiful sky.

I feel uncomfortable talking home since my parents are not in good health, I hope Allah bring peace and health to them. The melancholy inside. When I do feel the loneliness. When this journey will end? Life is on a move, and I got a glancing shot in my monotonous one dimensional life by arriving here. This is Australia and I am enjoying the work here. Though it’s tough and full of extra works.

I had never opted voluntarily to go for Gasht after Asar Salah. “Jamaat’e Tableegh” was not welcomed and I had a natural liking to not like them. On the ground of logic, reasoning and many more. I don’t know why? However I didn’t give a second thought when they offered me to accompany them. I went with them and visited two homes. Offered them to come mosque, and this was good. If not we, who? And if this is wrong on some ground, who decides? They say La-Ilaha-IllallAh, Muhammadur-Rasoolullah and that’s enough for me to stand with them. On a certain level, humanity is a coexistence factor form me and a layer higher Tawheed and Resalat, and there is no third layer. Why do we divide and why do we fight?

The same is when I interact with office creatures, when they say no, or make issue more complex than what it is. They fear asking questions as if this will degrade them. A fabric where insecurity drive ignorance and system become fragile. Where innovation dies choking, and suffocating way. So I raise the flag again. Let them come in hundreds and I will stand still to see what happens, as death is certain, let’s have a heroic end.

Humne Utha Liya hai Baghawat ka phir Alam,

Jaaoo Ye Baat Waqt Ke Sultaan Se Kaho …

(By my friend Irfaan Waheed in 2001)

Position comes at the cost of experience and how experience people speak filthy, dirty, obscene languages. They say it a informal way, is it so? The four word letter starting “F” and having variants in verbs bugs me as the word starting with “S” and ends at “T”.

Again I am in a role which demand studies. Started again the world of TCP/IP exploration. Sometimes it creates an unknown passion in me. Is this way I can achieve something? There is more, much more to study and coming on the way. But let’s do first thing first.

Now it’s dusk. I was in lawn when in SIO hostel with my table and chair out. December sunshine made HC Verma numerical more exciting to solve. As Danish was accompanying me, Shoaib bhai boosted us and we felt proud. There was a hidden hint in Bakar’s smile and Fazal was as usual in the mode of sarcasm. Evenings are the best time, we should think beyond having a cup of tea.

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

“Jaane chale jaate hain kahaan, duniya se jaane waale ja a ne ……”We had a small house in bibi pakar of only two rooms. This was universe for us and Mukesh song was in air. Dalton had made the emergency light’s cassette player working. I loved Mukesh’s songs, so the aroma of aangan. Little osara where sewing machine was placed nicely covered with peculiar covering. Abbu’s crockery shop existed no more, so we had good times at home with all of our family members.I had a natural advantage of being an elder brother. I loved driving NV150, LML Vespa. One of the oldest Vespa we had in Darbhanga. I went there to Tower Chowk. The place I spent my considerable childhood time at Katki bazaar shop. Stopped at magazine shop and looked at “Physics for you”.

I was in Darbhanga for Eid vacation and I written two articles for Physics for you some 2-3 months back. I was expecting them to be published. Luckily I saw the magazine and my sixth sense knocked me. Lets see if they have published it or not. I was with appijaan and Dalton I think. I saw my article published and I was out of control. Very happy, very very happy. This was the same magazine shop, where I got the first magazine “Pratiyogita Darpan”, with lot arguments from Abbujaan. I loved magazines and dreamed one day I will write my own views and this happened. I was very happy. I shown my articles to Appijaan, Dalton and Ammi. Ammi was making masala for gosht and she was very happy. How can I forget the moment? A day before Eid and I was feeling intense happiness.

We travelled in Vaishali express. Abu Bakar, Amir and one more friend i think. This was a nice journey.

The articles were on frame of references and projectile motion. Nothing more than what I learned from K K Jha. He was certainly the best teacher in my life and a turning point for me. I hope Fahd get good teachers like him.

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

Hassan sb’s big old home, and the family was still there. This was December 2000. They built a mosque as a sadq-e-jariyah in memory of their beloved Dad. They were my childhood friends and I missed them a lot. As we grow we loose the intrinsic love. Our education, expectations and desire keep us self centric and we realize old love, tenderness and friendship when we loose something, something special. I hope their Dad’s soul in peace and accompanied with good spirits.

We are lost. Are we lost? Can I relive memories?

Khurram Mamujaan’s sudden death, Raja bhai’s sad news and passing people. The turn for me is still to come. Will I be able to keep smiles? To keep love. How much have I helped others? This world needs more, what am I doing? There are questions, and no answers. Sometimes I come out of my shell of worldly demands, my own needs, and then I realize people who showered love to me, who helped me, my friends and eyes with love. Eyes with grave expectations, so that I will remember them in tough times, and in their happiness. Have I met them?

Ameenabad – The secrets hideouts

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Yeah, this is true, but sometimes acceptance is A better choice.

TVS Pep. Ameenabad market. I cornered the scooty right behind a shop. The idea was good to be out. Three days in emergency ward of Vivekanand Hospital had made me tired within, and i was going to be dead without a fresh aroma of evening breeze. Asfa got opportunity to sneak around in market for little important stuffs like cletchers, hairbands, ear rings and many more, out of my comprehension.How does it look like? She was expecting my expert review on a multicolor hair band.

I mean its quite good, beautiful, however my smile doesn’t satisfied what she was expecting. I kept myself busy and interested in analysis over colors and craft.

This is good, why don’t you pick it? I grabbed a big one and acted like an expert of hair bands. This didn’t work again and I was wondering in clouds.

I asked “what are your decision criteria?”

I am not here for “decision criteria”, I am here for hair bands. The Verbs were replaced by Nouns and you can’t help. Though I enjoyed observing. Out of infinite choices available in colors, design and patterns; girls do not hold their criteria for selection. How insane, I mean how intelligent. My mathematical mind was doing a guess work on formulating a probability function which can bring possible solutions to select a hair band. I failed again.

Y e a h, this is true, but sometimes acceptance is A better choice.

Had an hour or so shopping. Family groceries. Had roasted chicken in Alamgeers restaurant, though doctors have advised me a big NO to non-vegs. Dr K K Agarwal seems to be a busy doctor in Lucknow. At least Lucknow is unlike Delhi. There is some kindness and human touch to patients. Maryam is only 5 months and she cried as soon we stepped out of cletcher shop. She is developing the girl-ish tentacles quite soon. I felt tired again upon reaching home. Fahd was shouting chaychi chaychi for scooty keys. I was happy and my love was making me smiling for my son. I grabbed him in arms and planted a big kiss.

Y    e     a     h,     this is true, but sometimes acceptance is A better choice.